Healthy Relationships Require Words Of Affection
By Jamie Simmerman
Published September 05, 2007
Love and affection are an integral part of any intimate relationship. Unfortunately, many adults today find themselves at a loss when seeking to nurture a relationship with that special someone. Some have never experienced tender love and affection themselves or have been hurt deeply in the past and now shun all forms of love and affection as a defense against further infliction of pain. Others think that they are being loving and affectionate only to find out too late that they have fallen short and their partner’s needs have been sorely unfulfilled. In order to understand the role of love and affection in a healthy relationship and express them appropriately, it is important to understand what love and affection are.
What Is Love?
Love is often mistakenly referred to as a feeling. Love at first sight is equated to a magical occurrence where destiny binds two individuals for life and they ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. This theory works for those who live in the world of fairy tales, but leaves those of us who live with reality wondering what went wrong when the excitement of a new relationship wears off. Love is often blamed for the breakup of many a relationship with the chilling conclusion of, “I just don’t love you anymore,” or, “I just fell out of love with you.”
The simple truth is that love is not a feeling, but a choice. This type of love and the resulting affection serves as a foundation for a lasting, healthy relationship.
It is a minute-by-minute decision by both parties to remain committed to each other and treat each other in a loving manner. Love is expressed by a person’s actions, and is not dictated by one’s feelings. It is an attitude, a habit and a mantra. Love is best expressed when a person chooses to put another’s needs above her own.
What Is Affection?
Affection is seen on the superhighway between your head and your heart. Affection is a deep, long-standing commitment to understand what your significant other’s needs are and the willingness to consistently strive to meet those needs. It is love in action and is the daily motivation to build a strong and lasting relationship with another human being. Affection produces feelings of intimacy, security, significance, and respect in a relationship. Affection results in the tender feelings that are often called love. It is a learned behavior and for many people, takes a considerable amount of effort to achieve. We are naturally born with the ability and desire to love; affection takes work.
Now that love and affection have been covered, let’s take a look at how to express them.
What Are Words Of Affection?
Words of affection are historically one of the greatest expressions of affection between two people. Classical poetry, love stories and sappy romantic movies are all dripping with whispered words of affection, and for good reason. The auditory sense is a powerful force. Whispering words of affection to your loved one can instantly create a private and intimate moment between the two of you and reinforces the bonds of love that you share.
It is important to remember that affection is a learned behavior. If spouting words of prose and whispering sweet nothings in your lover’s ear seem like ridiculously embarrassing behaviors, take heart. Even the most fluent of bards had to start somewhere; begin with a simple, “I love you,” and add a few phrases over time.
What Is Public Affection?
Public affection should be discussed with your partner in advance. It is important to understand how your loved one feels about public displays of affection and if it will have the opposite effect than what you are striving for. Childhood values and morals may dictate that all forms of affection be kept behind closed doors and out of view of the public. If this is not an issue in your relationship, public affection can often boost the feeling of security in a relationship because it conveys a sense of mutual dedication and declares your love to the world around you.
Public displays of affection can be as simple as holding holds, a touch on the shoulder or looping an arm around a person’s waist. Intense public displays of affection such as gazing into each other’s eyes on a crowded street or making out on a park bench may be too much for some couples and should be discussed beforehand.
Overcoming Unhealthy Behaviors
Unfortunately, many adults enter into serious relationships with defective coping behaviors and beliefs. Emotional baggage is too often carried into relationships after failed relationships without ever addressing these defective thought patterns.
The good news is that since affection is a learned behavior, healthy habits can be created with a little understanding and hard work.
Alienation of affection at an early age can result in a person’s inability to express or receive affection. If the problem is severe, a professional counselor or pastor may be helpful in resolving the defective thought patterns that lead to this behavior. Alienation of affection tends to be reproduced for generations unless an individual who is willing to learn and change breaks the pattern. Alienation of affection can result in an individual who appears cool and distant, or a person who seems to be starved for attention.
One of the most common obstacles to intimate, lasting relationships occurs when one person is starved for affection. This problem may go unnoticed in the beginning of a relationship since emotions run high and huge amounts of affection are expressed in response to the excitement of a new relationship. As time wears on, the partner who feels starved for affection may feel like the comfortable, slower paced expressions of affection are an indication that love is fading away. One key tool in combating this perception of being slighted is to communicate openly with each other about what each of you is feeling. Caring for a person who is starved for attention may take a greater commitment to a higher level of consistent behavior than other relationships, but it is also likely to be more rewarding than most relationships as long as affection is consistently expressed.
Each person can create a list of activities that convey love and affection to him or her. You may be surprised at the differences and similarities between your list and your partner’s, as there are several main differences between the needs of the sexes. There are several relational books on the market that discuss the basic needs of men and women that can help you understand how to better meet the needs of your partner.
One very important concept to understand when learning how to express love and affection in a relationship is that no one person is able to meet every need of another. Placing such a large expectation on any relationship is a recipe for disaster. Other healthy relationships with friends and family members are required to have a fulfilled life.
Healthy relationships require constant nurturing. Love and affection are choices that strengthen a relationship and provide a lasting foundation that will weather the storms of life. By learning the needs of your partner and developing a consistent habit of expressing your love and affection for each other, you can experience a fulfilling relationship and serve as a shining example of the true definitions of love and affection.
source: http://www.lifescript.com/
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