THE CATHOLIC DIGEST WEDDING GUIDE

BY PAUL BOUDREAU

"Will you marry me?" Now there's a life-changing question if ever there was one. It may be the one you've been waiting for. It may be the one you've been building your courage to ask. It may have even tumbled out of your lips unexpectedly in the glow of candlelight and soft music. Whatever the case, it's on the table and if the answer is "yes," you've got work to do.

As for Mom and Dad, you've just been promoted to the status of wedding planner. So whether you're the bride-to-be, the bachelor emeritus, the MOB (mother of the bride) or the FOB, or the groom's antecedents, you possess a common vision: that moment the bride and groom stand at the altar before the priest in the church.

As a sacrament, marriage pos­sesses a unique character. It is the sacred expression of the rela­tionship between Christ and the Church, the union of body and soul, flesh and divinity we share with our Lord and God.

Therefore the Church has a serious stake in your upcom­ing wedding. How you express the mystical message of this sacrament is of critical impor­tance. The event you plan, the components of your wedding lit­urgy, from the decorations to the music to the outfits to the words you speak and the gestures you make, all combine to present our Catholic faith to your family, your friends, and all your wedding guests. More importantly, your wedding liturgy will implant an image of what you believe deep in your heart to serve your spiritual needs as you journey through the rest of your life.

With all that in mind, here are some answers to frequently asked questions to help you prepare for the big day:

FIRST THINGS FIRST

How soon in advance do we need to approach our parish to be married?

Normally, parishes require a six-month lead time for wed­dings. This allows for the proper preparation of the couple. It also assures the pastor that the couple will have ample time to consider the gravity of their intentions and address any concerns they might have. Additionally it gives the couple a better shot at the date and time slot they want. Check with the church first, before you engage a reception facility, so that you can better coordinate the date and the time.

Do I need to be a registered parishioner at a parish to have my wedding there?

Most parishes probably require you to be registered members, or at least your family of origin to be members. This is true for all cel­ebrations of the sacraments.

How much does a Catholic church charge to perform a wedding ceremony?

It varies from parish to parish, but expect to make an offering com­mensurate with what you are pay­ing for the wedding planner, the videographer, the photographer, the limo, and the reception. So if the wedding planner is being paid $1200, the videographer $1500, the limo $800, and the reception $30,000, don't figure on giving the church a $20 bill. As a pastor, I've simply asked for a free-will offer­ing and have received everything from $50 to $5,000.

Why can't we get married on the beach/elsewhere outside a church?

Marriage is one of the seven sac­raments of the Catholic Church. As such, it is appropriately cel­ebrated in the church building. The church setting sends a clear message to the assembled guests and the wedding party that the couple's call to union comes from God and is an outward sign of the mystical presence of Jesus Christ in their marriage. Both spiritually and socially, the church setting is necessary in an increasingly secular society. A wedding on the beach, or in the garden, or even in the Chapel of Pink Hearts doesn't convey that same sacred quality.

A Catholic may receive goodwill permission from the bishop to marry a non-Catholic Christian in a non-Catholic Christian church. The bishop may also give permis­sion for a Catholic to marry a non-Christian, such as a Buddhist or Muslim, in a neutral or secular setting. But a Catholic marrying another Catholic in a Catholic cer­emony should marry in a Catholic setting. The Church is identified by its buildings; one does not drive by a beach and think "Catholic!" In a strictly religious sense, a church evokes "the sacred" much more readily than a beach or a garden.

Can I have a wedding in a church without Mass being part of the ceremony?

You most certainly can. In fact, many priests prefer such a cer­emony because at most weddings, participation in the Eucharist, the responses and such, and Holy Communion will be light, given the broad makeup of the assem­bly. Such an event would not be a particularly good witness of Catholic faith and celebration. Also, the Eucharist is a sign of unity. But friends and family who are not Catholic would custom­arily exclude themselves from Communion, and that would not be a sign of unity.

Can we be married at my fiancee's church even though she's Protestant?

Catholics can be married in a Protestant church with a special dispensation by the local bishop. Your priest will help you obtain permission.

My fiance isn't Catholic. Can we still get married in the Church?

Yes. While Church law obliges Catholics to marry other Catholics, this law is commonly

dispensed. The pastoral team preparing you for marriage will request the necessary dispensa­tion from your local bishop.

My fiance and I have been away from the Church for a while. We want a church wedding, though. How do we approach a parish about this?

It's really easy to put yourself in a position to have a church wed­ding. Just start going to church. Make sure you greet the priest coming and going each time you attend, and attend regularly. This way you get the lay of the land, decide upon a priest or deacon to witness your wedding, and make yourself known to the pastor. Remember to register your membership in the parish office and sign up for envelopes. This way there will be no problem what­soever having a church wedding. At the same time it will give you an opportunity to rediscover the beauty of the Catholic faith and perhaps learn what attracts you to the idea of a church wedding. Celebrating your wedding in a Catholic church means that you are joining the faith community as a sacrament, an outward sign of the living presence of Jesus Christ in your marriage. What you seek is more than a wedding in a church; it's the identity you will take on as a married couple.

I was not confirmed. Can still get married in the Church?

Catholics are required to receive the Sacrament of Confirmation before marriage, unless doing so results in a "serious inconve­nience:' What constitutes a "seri­ous inconvenience" is usually determined by the local pastor. Some are strict about it and some aren't.

THE PLAYERS

Does the Church have rules about what the bride and groom wear — in style, color, level of modesty, etc.?

The Church's liturgical documents use the term "appropriate and dignified clothing" a lot when referring to what should be worn by ministers. Keep in mind that the bride and groom at a wed­ding liturgy are the ministers of the Sacrament of Marriage. Therefore their clothing should be appropriate and dignified. In addition, your priest may have specific rules for what he consid­ers appropriate. Some priests prohibit strapless or low-cut gowns, for example. However, the traditional white wedding gown is not required. I remember one October wedding when the bride wore something made out of orange cellophane. I thought it was silly, but it was her call.

If I have a themed wedding, can guests attend in costume attire?

If the costumes are dignified and not offensive to Catholicism, and if your pastor grants his approval, there shouldn't be a problem. The traditional wedding gown and tuxedo are costumes, too. They are secular symbols of wealth and social status and not at all religious. I once witnessed a wed­ding with a cowboy theme. The bride was the schoolmarm, the groom was the sheriff, the bridal party members were deputies and dancehall gals, and the guests were all buckaroos. There was even a stagecoach with four horses waiting out front. But check with the person performing the wedding. One priest may not mind Commander Riker marry­ing Counselor Troi, but another may draw the line at Lieutenant Worf tying the knot with the Borg Queen.

My friend says that it's not really the priest who "marries" the couple at the Catholic wed­ding; he says the couple admin­isters the sacrament to each other. Is he right? If this is true, what do we need a priest for?

Your friend is correct. In the theology of the Catholic Church, the sacrament of marriage is administered by the couple to each other. The priest or the dea­con is required because he is the Church's official witness to the marriage. He receives the wed­ding promises of the couple and assures the validity of the sacra­ment. Additionally, he fulfills the requirements of the state to solemnize the marriage and sign the license.

Are Catholics allowed to sign a pre-nuptial agreement?

Nope. A couple entering into a Catholic marriage must intend an unconditional, lifetime commit­ment. Any condition that is con­tingent upon a future event would serve to invalidate a Catholic marriage. No pre-nups.

THE MUSIC

Can we use secular music at our wedding?

Generally speaking, religious music is appropriate for the church and popular music is appropriate for the reception. You would not play "We've Only Just Begun" for the wedding proces­sion any more than you would want "Tantum Ergo" for the first dance.

Some secular music has enough religious connotation to work in the church. It would be best to discuss the music selection with your pastor or the music director.

THE CEREMONY

What will a parish generally allow as far as decorating the church, and where?

Generally, local florists know what works in a given church. If you're going beyond flowers, work together with the person who normally decorates the church for Sundays. Keep in mind that litur­gical seasons have specific colors and themes.

Rose petals work in the aisle if you clean up after the wedding. Rice outside? Again, clean it up. If it rains, the rice turns into a gooey, slippery pilaf that invites an accident and a lawsuit. Some parishes prohibit it. Same is true for birdseed. Birds eat it, create a mess, and sometimes end up in the church. Confetti stains. Try bubbles instead. Florists sell tiny individual-sized bubble bottles by the truckload, and the kids love em.

Other things to keep in mind when decking out the church for your wedding:

1. Don't put anything on the altar, even if the florist wants to throw in an "altar spray" for free. The only things that go on the altar are the bread and wine and their accompany­ing liturgical hardware.

2. Don't put anything between the priest's chair and the congregation. Father shouldn't have to peer through a potted palm to see what's going on.

Why can't we do a reading from a secular source at our wedding?

The readings for the Liturgy of the Word prescribed for weddings are taken from the Hebrew Scriptures, the Psalms, the New Testament, and the Gospels. Readings from sources other than the Bible would not be appropriate for the Catholic celebration of a sacra­ment. It is from the word of God and the traditions of our faith that our understanding of the sacred nature of marriage springs. And it is from the word of God that the priest or deacon preaches and instructs the couple. Perhaps a secular reading of your choice can be offered during the reception.

Can we write our own wed­ding vows?

Couples can and do write their own vows. But they must contain certain elements, i.e. a statement of "taking;' receiving, or accept­ing the other as spouse, the pledge of unconditional, lifelong commitment, and the promise of exclusivity or faithfulness to the marriage. Stuff about being "best friends" or "soul mates" or how you feel when you look into each other's eyes is OK, but the more you depart from the basics, the harder it will be to get your com­positions approved. You can read your promises, recite them from memory, repeat after the priest, or have the priest read them to you as a question to which you respond with the very traditional "I do" Keep in mind that the emo­tion of the moment will surprise you and you may not be able to clearly speak your promises. While there's nothing wrong with getting a little choked up, it may be embarrassing to you or prevent the assembly from hearing your vows.

Can our wedding photogra­pher or videographer stand by the priest, near the altar, or in the aisle during the ceremony to get good shots?

Most professional photographers/ videographers know how to get good shots and stay out of the way. But some don't. They should not be a distraction to the cel­ebration of the sacraments. It would be totally inappropriate for someone to be lurking around the altar who isn't involved in the ceremony, but that doesn't stop everyone. I once saw a video guy shooting the couple from a step­ladder behind the priest during the eucharistic prayer. I've tried to keep photographers out of the aisle during the bridal procession, but they do it anyway. It's become a lost cause. Some priests can get militant about it. Others just let it go. Curb your photographer.

What are the rules as to who may receive Communion at a Catholic wedding?

Anyone who is Catholic and properly disposed to receive Holy Communion may do so. Anyone who is not a Catholic but who has received express permis­sion from the local bishop may also receive.

My sister and her fiance had to go to confession the evening before the wedding. Will we have to do that too?

A Catholic pastor doing his job will strongly encourage you to celebrate the Sacrament of Reconciliation before your wed­ding and provide you with an opportunity to do so. However, you are required to confess only if you are conscious of an uncon­fessed mortal sin. At the same time, it's always a good idea to take advantage of the opportunity.

My fiance and I want to stage a fabulous entrance at our wedding, maybe a little dance routine. Our priest isn't in favor of this.

Why not? While dance routines in wedding processions are gaining traction on YouTube, they've never been an American wedding custom. Generally, anything that draws attention away from the wedding sacrament loses favor in the wed­ding liturgy. Your priest is simply and correctly trying to get you to tone it down for the sake of your wedding. How about staging a fabulous entrance at the recep­tion? That would be cool. CD

Father Paul Boudreau is a priest of the Diocese of Norwich, Connecticut, cur­rently serving in the Diocese of San Bernardino, California. He is an award-winning author, teacher, and retreat leader. His monthly column on parish life appears in Today's Parish magazine.

Addition:

WEDDING CUSTOMS EXPLAINED!

Why can't the groom see the bride before the wedding?

This custom dates back to a time when most marriages were arranged by the groom and the bride's father, with the groom giving money or some other item of value in exchange for his bride. Since the groom might never before have seen the woman he was to marry, and on the chance that he might not be pleased with her looks, it was forbidden for him to see her until the time of the wedding, when the payment would be made. By that time, it would be too late for him to back out of the arrangement.

source: Edited from Catholic Digest (February 2010)

Why Go To Church?

A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went
on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals.. But I do know this ... They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!" When you are DOWN to nothing.... God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible! Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!

All right, now that you're done reading, send it on! I think everyone should read this! "When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, "Jesus, could you get that for me, please?"

spread it to your Christians friends as much as you can so together we could see God's well-made plan!!!!

I Believe

I Believe...

That just because two people argue,

It doesn't mean they don't love each other;

And just because they don't argue,

It doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...

That we don't have to change friends,

If we understand that friends change.

I Believe....

That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe....

That no matter how good a friend is,

They're going to hurt you every once in a while

And you must forgive them for that.

And you will hurt that very good friend every once in a while, but because they are a very good friend, they'll forgive you for it too.

I Believe...

That true friendship continues to grow,

Even over the longest distance.

The same goes for true love.

I Believe...

That you can do something in an instant

That will give you heartache for life.

I Believe....

That it's taking me a long time

To become the person I want to be.

I Believe...

That you should always leave loved ones with loving words -

It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe....

That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe....

That we are responsible for what

We do, no matter how we feel -

That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...

That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...

That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe....

That sometimes when I'm angry

I have the right to be angry,

But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...

That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them - and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe....

That it isn't enough, to be forgiven by others.

You have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...

That no matter how badly your heart is broken

the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe....

That our background and circumstances

may have influenced who we are,

But, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...

That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.

It could change your life Forever.

I Believe....

Two people can look at the exact same thing

And see something totally different.

I Believe...

That your life can be changed in a matter of hours

By people who don't even know you.

I Believe...

That even when you think you have no more to give,

When a friend cries out to you -

you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...

That credentials on the wall

do not make you a decent human being.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;

They just make the best of everything they have.

How To Use Love And Affection To Enrich Your Personal Relationships

Healthy Relationships Require Words Of Affection
By Jamie Simmerman
Published September 05, 2007

Love and affection are an integral part of any intimate relationship. Unfortunately, many adults today find themselves at a loss when seeking to nurture a relationship with that special someone. Some have never experienced tender love and affection themselves or have been hurt deeply in the past and now shun all forms of love and affection as a defense against further infliction of pain. Others think that they are being loving and affectionate only to find out too late that they have fallen short and their partner’s needs have been sorely unfulfilled. In order to understand the role of love and affection in a healthy relationship and express them appropriately, it is important to understand what love and affection are.

What Is Love?
Love is often mistakenly referred to as a feeling. Love at first sight is equated to a magical occurrence where destiny binds two individuals for life and they ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. This theory works for those who live in the world of fairy tales, but leaves those of us who live with reality wondering what went wrong when the excitement of a new relationship wears off. Love is often blamed for the breakup of many a relationship with the chilling conclusion of, “I just don’t love you anymore,” or, “I just fell out of love with you.”

The simple truth is that love is not a feeling, but a choice. This type of love and the resulting affection serves as a foundation for a lasting, healthy relationship.
It is a minute-by-minute decision by both parties to remain committed to each other and treat each other in a loving manner. Love is expressed by a person’s actions, and is not dictated by one’s feelings. It is an attitude, a habit and a mantra. Love is best expressed when a person chooses to put another’s needs above her own.

What Is Affection?
Affection is seen on the superhighway between your head and your heart. Affection is a deep, long-standing commitment to understand what your significant other’s needs are and the willingness to consistently strive to meet those needs. It is love in action and is the daily motivation to build a strong and lasting relationship with another human being. Affection produces feelings of intimacy, security, significance, and respect in a relationship. Affection results in the tender feelings that are often called love. It is a learned behavior and for many people, takes a considerable amount of effort to achieve. We are naturally born with the ability and desire to love; affection takes work.

Now that love and affection have been covered, let’s take a look at how to express them.

What Are Words Of Affection?
Words of affection are historically one of the greatest expressions of affection between two people. Classical poetry, love stories and sappy romantic movies are all dripping with whispered words of affection, and for good reason. The auditory sense is a powerful force. Whispering words of affection to your loved one can instantly create a private and intimate moment between the two of you and reinforces the bonds of love that you share.

It is important to remember that affection is a learned behavior. If spouting words of prose and whispering sweet nothings in your lover’s ear seem like ridiculously embarrassing behaviors, take heart. Even the most fluent of bards had to start somewhere; begin with a simple, “I love you,” and add a few phrases over time.

What Is Public Affection?
Public affection should be discussed with your partner in advance. It is important to understand how your loved one feels about public displays of affection and if it will have the opposite effect than what you are striving for. Childhood values and morals may dictate that all forms of affection be kept behind closed doors and out of view of the public. If this is not an issue in your relationship, public affection can often boost the feeling of security in a relationship because it conveys a sense of mutual dedication and declares your love to the world around you.

Public displays of affection can be as simple as holding holds, a touch on the shoulder or looping an arm around a person’s waist. Intense public displays of affection such as gazing into each other’s eyes on a crowded street or making out on a park bench may be too much for some couples and should be discussed beforehand.

Overcoming Unhealthy Behaviors
Unfortunately, many adults enter into serious relationships with defective coping behaviors and beliefs. Emotional baggage is too often carried into relationships after failed relationships without ever addressing these defective thought patterns.

The good news is that since affection is a learned behavior, healthy habits can be created with a little understanding and hard work.

Alienation of affection at an early age can result in a person’s inability to express or receive affection. If the problem is severe, a professional counselor or pastor may be helpful in resolving the defective thought patterns that lead to this behavior. Alienation of affection tends to be reproduced for generations unless an individual who is willing to learn and change breaks the pattern. Alienation of affection can result in an individual who appears cool and distant, or a person who seems to be starved for attention.

One of the most common obstacles to intimate, lasting relationships occurs when one person is starved for affection. This problem may go unnoticed in the beginning of a relationship since emotions run high and huge amounts of affection are expressed in response to the excitement of a new relationship. As time wears on, the partner who feels starved for affection may feel like the comfortable, slower paced expressions of affection are an indication that love is fading away. One key tool in combating this perception of being slighted is to communicate openly with each other about what each of you is feeling. Caring for a person who is starved for attention may take a greater commitment to a higher level of consistent behavior than other relationships, but it is also likely to be more rewarding than most relationships as long as affection is consistently expressed.


Each person can create a list of activities that convey love and affection to him or her. You may be surprised at the differences and similarities between your list and your partner’s, as there are several main differences between the needs of the sexes. There are several relational books on the market that discuss the basic needs of men and women that can help you understand how to better meet the needs of your partner.

One very important concept to understand when learning how to express love and affection in a relationship is that no one person is able to meet every need of another. Placing such a large expectation on any relationship is a recipe for disaster. Other healthy relationships with friends and family members are required to have a fulfilled life.

Healthy relationships require constant nurturing. Love and affection are choices that strengthen a relationship and provide a lasting foundation that will weather the storms of life. By learning the needs of your partner and developing a consistent habit of expressing your love and affection for each other, you can experience a fulfilling relationship and serve as a shining example of the true definitions of love and affection.

source: http://www.lifescript.com/Soul/Self/Growth/How_To_Use_Love_And_Affection_To_Enrich_Your_Personal_Relationships.aspx

Catholic Wedding Vows

The most important part of a Catholic wedding is what is commonly known as the exchange of vows. These words are the heart—the essential element—of the sacrament of marriage; they form the covenant that establish the couple’s marriage. The Church calls the exchange of vows consent—that is, the act of will by which a man and a woman give themselves to each other, and accept the gift of the other. The marriage can’t happen without the declaration of consent (Catechism #1625 - 1631).

Catholic wedding vows are usually preceded by three questions from the priest:

"(Name) and (name), have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?"

"Will you honor each other as man and wife for the rest of your lives?"

"Will you accept children lovingly from God, and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?"

The bride and groom respond "I will" or "yes" (Rite of Marriage #34).

The Rite of Marriage (#25) offers several options for Catholic wedding vows. The standard version goes like this:

Priest (or deacon): Since it is your intention to enter into marriage, join your right hands, and declare your consent before God and his Church.

Groom: I, (name), take you, (name), to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

Bride: I, (name), take you, (name), to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

It's ideal if you memorize the words of consent; doing so emphasizes that your consent to be married is truly heart-felt. Memorizing the words of consent in the weeks and months leading up to the wedding is also a good spiritual practice that will help you to focus on the deeper meaning of your marriage.

If you're worried about forgetting the words, or being too emotional to say them clearly, many priests and deacons will have you repeat the words of consent after them, phrase by phrase. The Rite of Marriage doesn't actually suggest this, though; instead, it offers this simple alternative:

Priest: (Name), do you take (name) to be your wife? Do you promise to be true to her in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love her and honor her all the days of your life?

Groom: I do.

Priest: (Name), do you take (name) to be your husband? Do you promise to be true to him in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love him and honor him all the days of your life?

Bride: I do.

In the United States, Catholic wedding vows may also take the following form:

Groom: I, (name), take you, (name), for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

Bride: I, (name), take you, (name), for my lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

Again, you can also simply respond to the priest’s question:

Priest: (Name), do you take (name) for your lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?

Groom: I do.

Priest: (Name), do you take (name) for your lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?

Bride: I do.

The priest acknowledges that the couple have declared their consent to be married, prays for God's blessing on the couple, and declares, "What God has joined, men must not divide" (Rite of Marriage #26). This is the point at which, sacramentally, the bride and groom become wife and husband.

The Blessing of Rings follows the declaration of consent. (Again, it is ideal for the bride and groom to memorize these lines.) The priest says a blessing over the wedding rings (Rite of Marriage #27) and then the couple exchange wedding rings (#28):

Groom (placing the wedding ring on his wife's ring finger): (Name), take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Bride (placing the wedding ring on her husband's ring finger): (Name), take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

The General Intercessions (Prayers of the Faithful) follow, and then, if the sacrament of marriage is being celebrated within Mass, the Liturgy of the Eucharist.

You may be wondering whether you can write your own Catholic wedding vows. Because the Rite of Marriage does not provide an option for couples to write their own vows, however, it is unlikely that the priest or deacon who assists at your wedding will allow you to do so.

source: http://catholicweddinghelp.com/topics/catholic-wedding-vows.htm

Cinta yg tak dapat kuraih

From : Milky Lie

Cinta yg tak dapat kuraih

Dear Milist,

Di hari Valentine ini, saya ingin mensharingkan kehidupan pribadi saya. Semoga sharing ini dapat memberikan warna baru akan arti cinta untuk rekan-rekan semua.

Saya berasal dari keluarga blasteran dimana papa saya berasal dari Indonesia, sedangkan mama saya berasal dari Amrik. Dilahirkan sebagai anak tunggal dari keluarga yang memiliki segalanya, seharusnya merupakan kebahagiaan untuk saya. Segala yang saya inginkan, pasti akan dipenuhi. Kedua orang tua saya termasuk yang berpikir, dengan harta dan kekayaan, saya dapat bahagia.

Kejadian buruk menimpa saya, ketika saya duduk di SMP kelas 2. ketika itu saya ikut didalam pesta ulang tahun teman baik saya. Siapa yang menyangka kalau ada seorang teman saya yang menaruh obat tidur ke dalam gelas minuman saya pada saat itu. Akhirnya saya pun tidak sadarkan diri. Ketika terbangun, saya sudah berada dalam kamar dalam keadaan tubuh telanjang. Disampingku seorang teman, yg merupakan teman satu gank ku juga sdg tertidur dan keadaan telanjang pula. Saya bingung dan marah, saya memaki dan melemparkan semua barang-barang yg ada disana ketubuh lelaki bejad itu, yang sudah tega menyetubuhi saya ketika tidak sadarkan diri. Tetapi apa yang dikatakan “bajingan” itu ? Dia katakan bahwa dia mencintai saya. Dia lakukan ini karena dia sayang dan cinta kepada saya. Apakah cinta dan sayang dihargai dan di nilai dengan tubuh dan sex ? Dia menangis dan berlutut untuk meminta maaf. Ketika itu Perasaan saya hancur. Saya melihat masa depan saya menjadi suram. saya jijik dengan! dia dan terlebih dengan tubuh saya sendiri. Saya ingin bunuh diri, tetapi dia menahan saya. Nasi sudah menjadi bubur, karena kelalaian saya, akhirnya saya harus dirusak oleh teman saya sendiri.

Akhirnya, saya pun mulai merokok, minum minuman keras dan terakhir saya mengkonsumsi obat-obatan. Itu semua untuk menghilangkan bayangan dari “malam laknat” yang harus saya alami. Saya berniat menghancurkan diri saya, kecantikan saya dan segalanya yang sudah membuat saya hancur. Bahkan dua kali saya mengalami kecelakaan ketika saya menyetir mobil, yang akhirnya membuat saya harus mengalami dua kali operasi plastik pada wajah saya.

Kejadian keduapun terjadi. Ketika “bajingan” itu mulai mengajak dan memaksa saya untuk melakukan hubungan seks kembali. Saya sudah menolak dan saya marah dengannya, tetapi dia menggunakan ancaman untuk melaporkan kepada kedua orang tua saya. Saya tidak ingin menyakiti perasaan kedua orang tua saya, yang sudah mempercayai dan membesarkan saya. Akhirnya dengan terlebih dulu saya mencekoki diri saya dengan obat tidur, kejadian itupun kembali terjadi disalah satu rumah yang saya miliki. Karena saya memang memiliki beberapa rumah di beberapa kota.

Buah dari kejadian itu, akhirnya membuat saya pun pregnant. Saya bingung, takut dan tidak tahu harus berbuat apa. Tidak mungkin saya melahirkan benih dari lelaki bejad seperti dia. Bagaimana dengan masa depan dan kebahagiaan saya? Akhirnya seorang diri dengan menggunakan obat-obatan, bayi itupun harus keluar dalam keadaan meninggal dan berakhir wc kamar mandi. Sedih, sakit hancur, dan berdosa, itulah semua perasaan saya ketika itu.

Kejadian ketiga dengan ancaman yg sama, mulai dilancarkan lagi. Tetapi untuk kali ini saya sudah berniat menolaknya, apapun ancaman dan alasannya. Saat itu saya mulai mengenal seseorang di kota lain. Orangnya baik, ramah dan enak diajak bicara. Saya mengenalnya dari salah seorang teman baik saya yang pindah ke kota tersebut. Karena mengenalnya, yang membuat saya terus kuat bertahan untuk menolak ajakan dan godaan dari lelaki bejad itu.

Saya mulai menyukai orang ini (sebut saja A). awalnya hanya iseng ngobrol lewat telepon, tetapi lama kelamaan saya benar-benar menyukai. Dia orang yang sederhana, bukan berasal dari keluarga yang kaya tetapi cukup, dan memiliki wawasan yang luas walaupun masih smp. Wajahnya pun tidak ganteng, tidak tinggi dan terlihat malu-malu kalau diperhatikan. Tetapi dari dia banyak hal yang saya pelajari, yang dulu mungkin terpikir pun tidak pernah. Dulu yang kemana-mana saya selalu menggunakan BMW merah kesayangan saya, makan direstaurant berbintang dan berpakaian yg serba bermerek, mulai belajar yang namanya naik bus kota, makan direstaurant sederhana, dan berpakaian yang tidak terlalu mahal.

Kala saya membutuhkan teman untuk bercerita, dia selalu sedia mendengarkan. Bahkan seringkali dia telat makan, karena harus menerima telepon dari saya. Memang itulah karakternya yang selalu mau mendengarkan masalah-masalah orang. Teman saya sendiri yang mengatakannya, karena dia pun selalu curhat dengannya. Menelpon atau bertemu dengannya, adalah waktu yang paling saya selalu nantikan. Waktu-waktu jam sekolah, adalah waktu yang paling menyebalkan dan terasa lama sekali.

Akhirnya pada bulan February, walaupun saya takut, tetapi saya menceritakan seluruh kehidupan saya kepadanya. Semua ini karena saya ingin jujur dan ingin mengetahui reaksi darinya, walau jauh dalam hati, sayapun takut kalau dia akan menjauhi dan menolak saya. Tetapi reaksi yg ada sungguh diluar dugaan saya. Dia dapat menerima kekurangan saya. Bahkan menasehati dan membimbing saya untuk lepas dari segala kecanduan saya. Anehnya, saya pun mau dan menurutinya. Dengan kesabaran dan pengertiannya, saya mulai mengurangi “jatah” kecanduan yang saya gunakan.

Sebulan kemudian, saya menyatakan menyukainya. Saat itu dia tidak menerima maupun menolak saya, dan meminta waktu untuk berpikir. Saya sangat takut, apakah dia akan menolak karena keadaan saya yang sudah tidak “virgin” dan kehidupan gelap lainnya. Apakah dia dapat menerima kalau cewe yang “menembak” terlebih dahulu. Semua ketakutan itu menghantui pikiran saya. Takut kalau dia menjauhi saya, dan takut penolakan itu akan membuat saya down dan jatuh ke dalam kesepian dan kehidupan gelap kembali.

Beberapa hari kemudian, dia mengatakan ganjalan yang membuat dia tidak menjawab langsung pernyataan saya. Semua itu dikarenakan dia minder dengan kekayaan saya, dengan diri saya yang katanya terlalu cantik dan tidak sebanding dengannya. Semua itu yang membuat dia tidak pernah berpikiran untuk berpacaran dengan saya. Dia membantu saya dengan tulus sebagai seorang teman. Tetapi ketika saya tanyakan mengenai “kekurangan” saya, ternyata dia dapat menerima semuanya itu.

Setelah beberapa bulan berjalan, hubungan kami berjalan dengan baik. Dia bukan seorang yg bermulut manis atau penggombal, tetapi merupakan seorang yang penuh perhatian dengan kepolosannya. Kejujuran didalam hubungan kami, itulah yang diutamakan. Setiap berbicara dan dekat dengannya, saya merasakaan bahagia dan tenang. Dia pun seorang yang sabar, dewasa dan pengertian didalam menjalani hubungan kami. Tidak pernah sekalipun dia mengajak saya untuk ‘berhubungan badan’, bahkan kissingpun dia tidak berani. Hanya ketika saya birthday, dia memberikan kissing di pipi. Cinta yang dia berikan didasari oleh perasaan sayang yang tulus, bukan oleh nafsu semata, sungguh membuat saya merasa di hargai dan mengerti akan arti sebuah cinta yang tulus.

Akhirnya orang tua saya pun mengetahui hubungan saya. Papa sangat marah dan tidak menyetujuinya. Mama hanya diam, dan tidak bicara apa-apa, walau sebenarnya mama tidak melarang. Karena saya sudah bercerita tentang dia kepada mama. Bahkan papa melarang saya untuk pergi menemuinya. Untuk menulis surat pun saya harus sembunyi-sembunyi menulisnya dengan menggunakan lampu kecil di meja belajar saya dan memberikannya melalui pengasuh pribadi yang sudah saya anggap sebagai cici angkat saya sendiri untuk mengirimkannya.

Sampai suatu hari, papa memberitahukan bahwa saya harus bertunangan dengan anak dari relasi bisnisnya. satu hal yang membuat saya kaget, ternyata orang itu adalah orang yang sudah menghancurkan hidup saya. Lelaki tidak tahu malu, yang berotak mesum dan mencemarkan kesucian saya. Dia gunakan kekayaan dan bisnis orang tuanya unt mendapatkan saya. Papa yang tidak tahu hal ini,begitu menyanjung si “manusia mesum” ini. Papa hanya melihat kekayaan dan status sosial, karena sama-sama dari kalangan atas yang memiliki perusahaan, dibandingkan dengan perasaan saya dalam memilih pasangan. Bahkan rencana untuk bertunangan pun sudah mulai diatur dan pikirkan. Padahal saya seorang anak yang masih duduk di smp. Semua itu papa lakukan unt kemajuan bisnisnya. dan mama tidak bisa berbuat apa-apa.

Akhirnya saya kabur, dan bersembunyi di rumah yang lainnya yang memang kosong dan hanya sebagai asset ataupun tempat istirahat. Yang membuat saya kembali kerumah adalah karena menuruti kata-kata dari dia yang terus dengan sabar menasehati saya. Akhirnya saya pun kembali, dan hasil dari “pelarian” ini membuat papa mau sedikit mengalah dengan mengundur pertunangan tersebut hingga saya lulus sekolah.

Beberapa saat kemudian, berita lain yang sangat mengguncangkan saya, bahwa orang tua saya akan bercerai. Ternyata selama ini hubungan mereka sudah retak, tetapi mereka berusaha menutupi dan mempertahankannya. Keputusan pada akhirnya, mereka bertekad untuk berpisah. Karena Mama tidak memiliki sanak saudara, apalagi saat itu mama baru juga melahirkan “adik” baru untuk saya. Akhirnya mama memutuskan untuk kembali ke negaranya. Saya yang bingung dan tidak tahu harus memilih, pada Akhirnya memutuskan untuk ikut dengan mama dan adik saya yg turut dibawanya, pergi menyusul mereka ke amrik.

Saya tidak berani bertemu dengannya. Saya takut, Takut tidak dapat meninggalkannya. Tetapi saya pun tidak tega melihat mama yang pergi dan hanya tinggal bersama seorang baby kecil. Akhirnya saya hanya dapat menulis surat yang saya tulis didalam pesawat. Tanpa kata-kata putus ataupun perpisahan, saya meninggalkan orang yang saya sayangi. Dengan perasaan hancur dan kepedihan, saya meninggalkan negri yang membesarkan saya.

Satu lagu yang menjadi kenangan bagi saya ketika bersamanya, yang hingga saat ini selalu saya putar dan putar. Lagu ini merupakan ungkapan dari perasaan saya ketika pertama kali saya menyatakan suka kepadanya. Lagu ini pernah kami nyanyikan bersama ketika di telepon, ketika pertama kita resmi jadian. Dengan sedikit memaksa saya meminta dia menyanyi. Dan dengan lucu dan tidak hafal teks, dia mau nyanyi untuk saya. Bagi saya, saat itu sangat berharga dan saya terharu ketika mendengar dia menyanyikan lagu ini. karena kata-kata dari teks itu, adalah gambaran perasaan saya yang tidak dapat terucap untuknya.

Kini semuanya hanya menjadi kenangan. Saya yang telah meninggalkan dia tanpa alamat, phone number, atau apapun bahkan saya tidak pernah mengiriminya surat maupun menelponya. Pernah saya mendapat kabar dari pengasuh saya, kalau dia beberapa kali mencari saya. Sampai saya kembali ke Indonesia, dan menelponya, tetapi tidak ada yang mengangkatnya, mungkin dia sudah pindah rumah. Hingga saat ini saya berharap untuk dapat bertemu dengannya, walaupun hanya sekedar untuk melihatnya atau mendengar kabarnya. Tetap untuk menjadi pacarnya, jujur saya katakan saya tidak berani lagi berharap. Sudah terlalu banyak saya menyakitinya. Sudah terlalu kotor diri saya untuknya. Pengorbanan, cinta dan ketulusan yang telah diberikan, membuat saya takut, malu dan minder untuk berharap kepadanya.

Ternyata harta, kecantikan maupun pendidikan yang tinggi dapat dikalahkan dengan perhatian, kepolosan dan ketulusan yang dimilikinya. Andaikan saya dapat memutar waktu atau bertukar tempat, saya memilih untuk menjadi orang yang dilahirkan biasa, tetapi hidup dengan orang-orang yang mencintai saya. Dimanapun dia saat ini, saya menaruh setitik harapan, berharap melalui tulisan ini, dia dapat membacanya dan mengenalinya. Andaikan “miracle” itu ada, `ingin`, `ingin`, `ingin` sekali aku bertemu dengannya. Walaupun hanya satu hari, satu jam, ataupun satu menit. Aku ingin melihatnya, memeluknya dan membisikkan kepadanya, “Aku masih tetap mencintaimu, kamu sudah mengisi hati dan hari-hariku. walau aku tidak dapat memilikimu,tetapi aku bersyukur sudah mengenalmu”.

Mungkin hanya Tuhan
Yang tahu segalanya
Apa yang kuinginkan
Disaat-saat ini….Oh

Kau takkan percaya
Kau selalu dihati
Haruskah ku menangis
Tuk` mengatakan yang sesungguhnya

Kaulah segalanya untukku
Kaulah curahan hati ini

Tak mungkin ku melupakanmu
Tiada lagi yang kuharap hanya kau seorang

Lagu ini yang pernah saya ketikkan untuknya
Lagu ini yang pernah saya berikan kepadanya
Lagu ini yang saya perdengarkan ketika mengatakan suka kepadanya
Lagu ini yang menjadi harapan untuk saya bertemu dengannya



With Love

Milky (Anastasia F.A )

Not Tough Love, Not Soft Love, but True Love

Advice to Parents of Incarcerated Children

By Russell L. Ford

For the decade I have written for this magazine, Karl Keating has always been most kind in letting me share with you the ups and downs of prison evangelization. Throughout this time, I have received hundreds of letters from kind readers, and God knows I have cherished each and every one—even those that attacked me for one reason or another. Yet there is one particular type of letter that has caused me no end of torment, and this article is intended to answer that type of letter.

Over the last ten years, I’ve received probably fifty letters from Catholic parents whose children are in prison. Nothing has broken my heart more than to read these letters begging for some sort of remedy they can use to fix their broken child. The only thing comforting about those letters is that I cannot see the faces of the parents who write them. The agony in their words is almost unbearable to me, so I know I could not cope with looking into their eyes.

Several times over the years I have attempted to answer a few of these letters, but that was folly on my part. What could I possibly tell them to remedy their situations or ease their pain? I finally decided to figure out what I could tell these grief-stricken parents, and what follows are six suggestions that I hope will do some good.

By no means do I claim infallibility here, but I do know from experience that these six suggestions have worked for me. Let me explain. I have no children in prison, but I do have sixty godsons, many of whom are in prison. I am old enough to be the father to most of my godsons, and many have told me I am the closest thing to a dad they have ever known. These suggestions may not work for everyone, as no two people are alike. However, human nature is universal, and the creative parent can adapt these suggestions to make them applicable to their wayward child.

Time to backtrack: This first item is an edict, not a suggestion, and it is absolute. One theme common to all the letters from parents of incarcerated children, whether implicit or explicit, is guilt. The edict is this: Parents whose child is in prison must stop feeling guilty.

My father was a tough and abusive man. He pushed me hard, and he could be downright cruel. No matter his flaws, though, Dad loved me. It wasn’t a perfect love. More often than not, it wasn’t anything even resembling a normal love. But it was love nonetheless. I was incarcerated sixteen months before my father died. He and I spoke on the phone almost every week, and he wrote me nearly every day. With only one exception, each time we spoke on the phone, that tough epitome of manhood who had been my father wept until he could no longer talk. Why did Dad cry? He felt responsible for me being in prison.

Pay very close attention to this, Mom and Dad. You did not, repeat not, put your child in prison. Did you fail him in some way in the way you reared him? Maybe. Did you unwittingly contribute to his malformation in some way? Possibly. An unfortunate reality of life is that kids don’t come with a set of instructions on how to rear them. If you did the best you could do, the best you knew how at the time, you have absolutely nothing for which you should feel guilty. No matter what your child did to go to prison, you did not make his decision for him. God gave your child free will when he decided to commit his crime.

It’s natural, I suppose, for parents to feel guilty when their child goes to prison. After all, we dream of our children becoming doctors, and engineers, even priests—but not convicts. However, you are not responsible for your child’s incarceration, so stop the guilt. It will be impossible for you to ever help your child until you clear your mind of undeserved guilt and place the responsibility where it belongs—firmly on his shoulders.

The next thing to discuss is how to love your incarcerated child. I am not an advocate of tough love, nor am I an advocate of soft love. Rather, I am an advocate of true love.

King St. Louis of France, for whom the city in Missouri is named, became a saint in large part because of his mother, good Queen Blanche. She began teaching the little prince all about God and his Catholic religion while he was still a toddler. Throughout his childhood, Queen Blanche would pull Louis onto her lap and say, "I love you, my son. No mother has ever loved her son more than I love you, but I would rather see you a thousand times dead at my feet than to know that you had offended God with one mortal sin." That is not tough love, and it certainly isn’t soft love. That is true love.

It is with true love that you must love your incarcerated child. If he wants you to buy him a subscription to a magazine you think will not help him to become better, don’t buy it. Get him a subscription to This Rock instead. If you have reason to suspect the money you send him is used for immoral purposes, cut him off. Truly love him into heaven; do not falsely love him into hell.

One of my prison godsons had lapsed. I continued to love him. I continued to pray for him. I continued to try to persuade him. One Friday, my godson and a friend who had been a bad influence on him sat at my table in the chow hall. Noticing that I hadn’t touched the meat dish on my tray (and not noticing it was a Friday in Lent), my godson asked if he could have my meat. I told him no, then offered it to his friend on my right. My godson got up, slammed down his tray, and called me things no human should be called. I calmly continued to eat.

Some of the other inmates said I was being mean to my godson. I believed I was loving him. I still believe that. I love my prison sons, just as surely as if they were my real sons. It hurt me to deny my godson the food he wanted. Love is often painful, though. Stick to your moral and principled guns; love your incarcerated child into heaven.

Sacrifice on your part will go a long way toward helping your incarcerated child. No, I am not talking about the sacrifices of weekly visits and sending him money. I refer instead to your spiritual sacrifices. If you really want to help your incarcerated child, I implore you to make three sacrifices regularly.

First, arrange your schedule so you can go to daily Mass. You can offer Mass in reparation for his sins and for the sanctification of his soul. Your own soul will greatly benefit as well.

Second, make a daily hour of adoration before the Blessed Sacrament, whether it is exposed or in the tabernacle. Christ is largely forgotten today in his eucharistic presence if he is believed in at all. Your kind devotion in remembering him will no doubt be rewarded in ways far beyond anything you can imagine.

The final sacrificial suggestion is that you cultivate a close personal friendship with your guardian angel. This is neither silly nor difficult. Your angel, whom God assigned to you when he created your soul, is very real and most anxious to develop a friendship. All you have to do is develop the habit of praying to your angel, talking to him as would your closest friend but even more candidly.

People who are devoted and pray to their angels learn to love silence. It is through silence that our angels speak to us. And they do speak to us. You will not hear any sort of audible voice, but you will learn to sense and understand the inspirational communications your angel sends you.

I began cultivating a friendship with my guardian angel in 1990, and today I can understand the inspirations he sends me just as clearly as if he spoke them to me in plain English. This will happen for you too. You will be able to ask your angel to guide you in dealing with your incarcerated child. You will also be able to ask him to communicate your prayers to your child’s angel, which will dramatically increase the subsequent providential events.

My fourth suggestion has to do with trading. When St. John Bosco was building his Salesian order and its childcare network, the great priest would utilize every bit of leverage he could. Indeed, he began this practice while still a youth. For example, young Giovanni would put on an elaborate circus act for neighbors from near and far, but he would make them agree in advance to sit through one catechism lesson. As a young priest, many people would ask him for a favor. More often than not, the favor seeker would hear the saint reply, "I will do this favor for you, but you must agree to do a favor for me in return." Of course, John Bosco would call upon the favor-seeker to attend Mass, or go to catechism class, or even go to confession.

The point is, the saint was happy to meet any need (from hunger to the desire to be entertained) any person had, but he was also quick to make the needy pay in some spiritual way for what he provided. This is something you should do for your incarcerated child. If he wants money (and it does take money to survive in prison) or a visit, require a favor from him in return. If he fails to keep his end of the bargain, then deny him any additional favors until he does. Perhaps you could require that he read a spiritual book (Frank Sheed’s To Know Christ Jesus comes immediately to mind), then send you a book report as proof that he read it.

At this point I have some bad news for you. There is a reality you must face and accept: Your child is a criminal. You may not view him as a criminal, but your subjective opinion in no way alters objective reality. Society, its laws, a judge, a prosecutor, a grand jury, and a trial jury all agreed that your child is a criminal, and he has been duly labeled for life.

With that truth firmly established, you must now learn some universal truths about criminals. We criminals are undisciplined, manipulative, demanding, and terribly self-centered. Therefore, set conditions and limitations in your relationship with your incarcerated child, and then be consistently loyal to these limitations and conditions.

Some may argue that a parent should love unconditionally. Baloney. There must be conditions and limits in all relationships. The parent of an incarcerated child who fails to place limits and conditions on the child will only perpetuate the attitudes and thought processes that put him in prison in the first place. In short, the parent becomes part of the problem rather than part of the solution.

It is difficult to be specific about what sort of limitations and conditions need to be present in your relationship with your incarcerated child. Specificity can only be achieved when the specifics of the relationship itself are known. So try to be objective in how you view your relationship to your child, and then get creative (and realistic) on the limitations and conditions.

Finally, get your child to learn our holy and ancient faith. Have you ever noticed that most converts to Catholicism are ecstatically excited about the faith? Why do you suppose that is? The answer is simple. The Catholic faith as given to us by the Church’s magisterium is a roaring lion, an irresistible force, a divine bolt of lightning that will energize anyone’s senses. Not only does the convert get excited about what he learns, he seems not to be able to learn enough. He constantly thirsts and hungers for more.

I have taught the catechism evangelistically for nearly thirteen years. I’ve catechized hundreds, if not thousands, of convicts. It has been my privilege and honor to participate directly in the conversion process of almost two hundred prisoners, sixty of whom are my godsons. Of those converts who have gone free, less than one percent have returned to prison, despite the statistic that seventy to eighty percent of them should have returned. What does it? That roaring lion called Catholicism.

Many is the time I have taught about the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist, the mercy of God in the confessional, or the immense love his Majesty shows us through purgatory and watched the convict I’m teaching begin to weep as Christ’s reality begins to soak in. But even more exciting is to see this same reaction from a twenty-five-, thirty-, thirty-five-, or forty-year-old cradle Catholic who is getting the meat of his faith for the first time in his life.

Alter your incarcerated child’s life permanently by getting him to learn the catechism. The most sure fire way to do this is to enroll him in a correspondence course written by Fr. John Hardon, S.J., and distributed by Inter Mirifica. The basic catechism course is free to prisoners, and it is excellent.

As supplemental material, I recommend that you obtain two additional books for your incarcerated child. The first is Karl Keating’s Catholicism and Fundamentalism. The other is my own The Missionary’s Catechism. Both may be obtained from Catholic Answers. Both of these books are necessary because everyone from your son’s bunkmate to the prison chaplain will be trying to get him to "unpope," and diligent use of these books (along with prayer) will prevent that.

In summary, then, these are my six suggestions to the parents of incarcerated children: stop feeling guilty; give your child true love; give the threefold sacrifice of daily Mass, daily adoration, and developing a personal friendship with your guardian angel; trade favors your child wants for spiritual favors; learn to set conditions and limitations; and get the child adequately catechized.

As I stated earlier, I have spent over a decade being a dad to many of the younger convicts. What I did not mention is that I am the father of four grown sons of my own. Furthermore, it has been over eight years since I have seen any of them. I am told that my eldest son, who is twenty-three years old (just six years shy of my age at incarceration), has made several horrendously bad decisions. He is without a doubt on the path that will lead him to prison. I have not been there for my sons to do what is necessary to prevent it.

So, Mom and Dad, I understand your pain, your guilt, and your tears. I’m not a self-proclaimed convict specialist who wishes to meddle in your family life and tell you how to live. I’m just a dad, passing on a little of what I’ve learned. God love you.

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Russell Ford, a longtime contributor to This Rock, is an inmate in an Alabama prison.